Fucking

An Extract from Beatrijs Ritsema’s To Heart

Better than cuddling. Why? Because it is more exclusive. Cuddling you do with children, with soft toys, with intimates (that is, if you are the cuddling type and wouldn’t rather stick to verbal communication with your close friends and family). Fucking, however, you do with your lover and it springs from lust. Fucking is to cuddling what playing bridge is to children’s games. What a professional is to an amateur. What inhaling is to not inhaling. There was a period – it didn’t last long – when feminist hostility to men was at its peak, and then fucking was decidedly suspect. ‘You can’t really go to bed with your oppressor?!’ was the cry. When asked what a heterosexual woman was supposed to do instead, the answer was ‘cuddling’ – probably on the sofa. Cuddling was supposed to be more woman-friendly, something on equal terms, soft and nice, far removed from that aggressive and overpowering penetration. Even now, understanding sexologists and relationship counsellors suggest it as a serious alternative to couples who are experiencing ‘sexual problems’. Have a cuddle! Make time for each other. Put on some music that’s easy to listen to, pour a glass of wine (but don’t drink the whole bottle right away), take it slowly, stroke and caress each other’s non-erogenous zones, don’t rush things, try a spot of massage, contemplate each other’s navels. A new world will open up for you.
Not really! All that faffing about is nonsense. It does nothing for men, nor for women either, if they are honest. Why waste your time on something like that? Come on, don’t be silly! It’s better to read a good book and after that have about a quarter of an hour of real sex (look under: Sex, marital). For you can argue as much as you want, but real sex is fucking. Bill Clinton was right in his weaselly way. Deep down he had remained faithful to Hillary. He hadn’t had real sex with Monica. He hadn’t fucked her.
Straightforward fucking is different from all other kinds of sex. It is more authentic, it’s the real thing, all the other stuff is ersatz, even if other kinds are more satisfying as regards orgasms. Actually, for men, fucking is usually the easiest way to reach a climax, because they control the movement and tempo. All the woman has to do, is to move with him in a more or less responsive way. For women, fucking isn’t a sure route to orgasm (which when it does happen is more a matter of ‘now there’s a nice bonus’) but it is satisfying in a different way. Always provided, of course, that it is satisfying. Every day, all over the world, there are hundreds of thousands of fucks during which the wife is planning the next day’s menu (but even those fucks which happen mainly because ‘we’ve started so we might as well finish’ are o.k.).
When everything goes swimmingly for a woman – when she is into it, as the Americans say – it gives her a feeling of substance and repletion. And that is quite separate from the orgasm itself. It is a purely physical feeling of an emptiness that is invaded and filled. And the feeling of substance, luxuriousness and abundance that results. A kind of overflowing completeness. Delicious! And all that even without an orgasm! For you’ve already had that, or it is still to come. That’s not what’s important at this moment. This is all about the overwhelming feeling of fullness. And you don’t get that from cuddling. Only from fucking.

From To Heart. Guidelines for Love (Ter Harte. Een leidraad voor de liefde, 2005)
By Beatrijs Ritsema
Translated by Pleuke Boyce

First published in The Low Countries, 2008